Extreme Midget Tennis and why golf is rubbish

Cricket is boring. Generally if given the option of stabbing myself in the fact, or watching a game of cricket I'd be reaching for the broken glass every time. However with Twenty20, cricket has become watchable. It's over quicker than the fame of an X factor winner, it can't last 5 days and STILL be a draw and Australia doesn't always win. It got me thinking as to how other tedious sports can bring the audiences flocking in and get the TV companies interested again by following the lead of Twenty20. I've picked the three sports that get me tuning into Cash in the attic rather than have to follow another second, and looked for a way to make them successful again, in reverse order.

3. Tennis - Everybody claims to be an expert during the week or so a British player is left in Wimbledon, but in the way that Pong is no longer the must have video game, sport has moved on from tennis being exciting. The way to spice it up? Midgets. If each player had to carry a midget with a racquet on their shoulders, viewing figures would go through the roof. Jeer as the ruthless Russian player throws his midget across the court to make sure he defeats the plucky Brit from Norfolk ranked 3,408th in the world, cheer as a returning Tim Henman and his midget perform a double fist pump to the crowd, before crashing out in the 2nd round in front of a crowd of Pimms sipping Daily Mail readers. As well as the addition of midgets, set the net on fire and give each player a grenade painted green that he can use once a match.

2. Snooker - A time limit of 10 seconds on each shot. After that, an electrical current surges through the players cue. The current increases each time the player takes too long, and on the third occasion the opposing player may remove his sock, fill it with the balls he has already potted, and strike his opponent with the makeshift prison weapon. Furthermore, rather than forcing the crowd to be silent, give them free beer and air horns and encourage them to put the players off as much as possible. A botched safety shot will be positively encouraged to be met with "YOU'RE SHIT...ARGHHHHH" from the audience. Rather than making them sit down, these crowd members will be allowed to stand around the table, 'accidently' nudging the cue of their least favourite player as he goes to make a shot. Did I mention the snooker table was going to be inside a cage? I did now.

1. Golf - Actually, it's impossible to make golf interesting. Sorry.