I seriously can't believe the outpouring of grief for Michael Jackson. Yes he was a good singer, but he was also a very sick individual who I would want my kids to stay as far away from as a pit of acid spitting crocodiles. The way the world is at the moment, the more you are seen to care about Princess Diana, Jade Goody and now Michael Jackson the better person you are. Never mind that millions of people will starve to death this year, and that 348 British troops have died in Iraq and Afghanistan, somebody you've seen on the telly once has died!
I hear people my age talking about 'how gutted' they were when Princess Diana died. I was about 5 years old and I was pissed off because Dennis the Menace was cancelled for those boring news people. People traveled halfway across the country to lay flowers outside Buckingham Palace for a person they never met, and never knew they existed. Seriously, WTF?
Now i'm not a big fan of Big Brother, but I do know that Jade Goody was ridiculed by the public, even winning a most hated woman in Britain vote. Cancer is a terrible disease, and I have lost a person special to me to it, but for people to fall over themselves to talk about how much they loved Jade who just weeks ago had been laughing at her made me feel ill.
And now Michael Jackson. Clear to anyone that this man had a great talent, but people wailing in the streets about it makes me wonder if the whole world has gone beserk. This video on the BBC News website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8120132.stm has a woman openly wailing after leaving flowers outside what is presumably his childhood house. She starts by saying "He was only 51 years old...". No he wasn't love, he was 50. If you're going to cry on national TV about your hero, learn something about him first eh? About 1:16 in there's a man dressed up as Jackson. How must his family feel seeing this? Using the death of a member of his family to get in the fancy dress cabinet and get on CNN. Other 'tributes' include people who thought "Michael Jackson's dead, let's go to the White House". Uri Geller has been appearing on any form of media that will have him, presumably to remind the public that he does indeed still exist. Other people rushing to pay tribute include Craig David, who wouldn't know talent if it bit him on the arse on Monday all the way through to Sunday. He's about as serious a musical artist as Ali G for gods sake.
To me, the culture of celebrity mourning shows how shallow a society we have become. Millions of African children die each year, and we don't bat an eyelid until it's on Comic Relief. Millions of people are taken away by cancer each year, including some of the most wonderful people in the world, but nobody is bothered until it happens to someone they've read about in Heat magazine. People are killed thousands of miles away from their homes looking after us, but instead the world's media focuses on a 50 year old man who wrote some good songs about 20 years ago. I feel sorry for Michael, Jade and Diana's families and friends, everybody else needs to get a grip on themselves. Rather than trying to make the world a better place, we're happy to fiddle about on our Iphones, until somebody famous dies when we must all go out in the streets and beat the ground with our fists, that it isn't fair and how can we go on from this? I liked Michael Jackson's music. Who didn't? The coach that I travel to Cardiff City games on often sings 'Ben' to me. Despite this, he wasn't part of my life, and I feel no need to rush to make a hysterical tribute to him. By falling over yourselves to update your Facebook status to R.I.P Michael Jackson, you are making sure that he cannot rest in peace. Let his family mourn, they have lived a life in the spotlight, don't make them face death in the spotlight as well.
I'm going to end by posting two links. They contain the names of every British serviceman killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. These are the guys who should be mourned and have public funerals. But hey, they've never been on Big Brother, so who cares right?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8040620.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7799610.stm
R.I.P to the fallen, and may the list of lives lost grow no larger.
Friday 26 June 2009
Monday 22 June 2009
Extreme Midget Tennis and why golf is rubbish
Cricket is boring. Generally if given the option of stabbing myself in the fact, or watching a game of cricket I'd be reaching for the broken glass every time. However with Twenty20, cricket has become watchable. It's over quicker than the fame of an X factor winner, it can't last 5 days and STILL be a draw and Australia doesn't always win. It got me thinking as to how other tedious sports can bring the audiences flocking in and get the TV companies interested again by following the lead of Twenty20. I've picked the three sports that get me tuning into Cash in the attic rather than have to follow another second, and looked for a way to make them successful again, in reverse order.
3. Tennis - Everybody claims to be an expert during the week or so a British player is left in Wimbledon, but in the way that Pong is no longer the must have video game, sport has moved on from tennis being exciting. The way to spice it up? Midgets. If each player had to carry a midget with a racquet on their shoulders, viewing figures would go through the roof. Jeer as the ruthless Russian player throws his midget across the court to make sure he defeats the plucky Brit from Norfolk ranked 3,408th in the world, cheer as a returning Tim Henman and his midget perform a double fist pump to the crowd, before crashing out in the 2nd round in front of a crowd of Pimms sipping Daily Mail readers. As well as the addition of midgets, set the net on fire and give each player a grenade painted green that he can use once a match.
2. Snooker - A time limit of 10 seconds on each shot. After that, an electrical current surges through the players cue. The current increases each time the player takes too long, and on the third occasion the opposing player may remove his sock, fill it with the balls he has already potted, and strike his opponent with the makeshift prison weapon. Furthermore, rather than forcing the crowd to be silent, give them free beer and air horns and encourage them to put the players off as much as possible. A botched safety shot will be positively encouraged to be met with "YOU'RE SHIT...ARGHHHHH" from the audience. Rather than making them sit down, these crowd members will be allowed to stand around the table, 'accidently' nudging the cue of their least favourite player as he goes to make a shot. Did I mention the snooker table was going to be inside a cage? I did now.
1. Golf - Actually, it's impossible to make golf interesting. Sorry.
3. Tennis - Everybody claims to be an expert during the week or so a British player is left in Wimbledon, but in the way that Pong is no longer the must have video game, sport has moved on from tennis being exciting. The way to spice it up? Midgets. If each player had to carry a midget with a racquet on their shoulders, viewing figures would go through the roof. Jeer as the ruthless Russian player throws his midget across the court to make sure he defeats the plucky Brit from Norfolk ranked 3,408th in the world, cheer as a returning Tim Henman and his midget perform a double fist pump to the crowd, before crashing out in the 2nd round in front of a crowd of Pimms sipping Daily Mail readers. As well as the addition of midgets, set the net on fire and give each player a grenade painted green that he can use once a match.
2. Snooker - A time limit of 10 seconds on each shot. After that, an electrical current surges through the players cue. The current increases each time the player takes too long, and on the third occasion the opposing player may remove his sock, fill it with the balls he has already potted, and strike his opponent with the makeshift prison weapon. Furthermore, rather than forcing the crowd to be silent, give them free beer and air horns and encourage them to put the players off as much as possible. A botched safety shot will be positively encouraged to be met with "YOU'RE SHIT...ARGHHHHH" from the audience. Rather than making them sit down, these crowd members will be allowed to stand around the table, 'accidently' nudging the cue of their least favourite player as he goes to make a shot. Did I mention the snooker table was going to be inside a cage? I did now.
1. Golf - Actually, it's impossible to make golf interesting. Sorry.
Friday 19 June 2009
The most boring friday in the history of mankind.
So, as I start writing this it is 7:20pm and yet another day has been wasted. Too many days this week have been spent playing 'cannons' (http://www.playray.com/games/play/cannons) and dancing to Mr Roboto in the style of My Name is Earl (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6Mus_KbQD0&feature=related) when getting a direct hit and it has to stop.
In desperation at the lack of job/money, I decided to do a basic search on the Job Centre website, applying for every job that came up without even looking what it was. A quick check later in the day revealed one of the positions was a Biology teacher. Seeing as the highest qualification I hold in Biology is a Double Award C at GCSE, I won't hold out much hopes for that one...
Something else which has been filling my days is the Facebook game Bejeweled Blitz. If the government ever finds out about this day destroying game, it will be classed just below Heroin in the addictive stakes and regular players forced into rehab. It's got the biggest 'one more game' factor since Football Manager, and if you value your family/job/education, don't go down this dangerous road. For some of us it is already too late, but you can still save yourself from this menace.
Not even the BBC news website has been able to distract me from the never ending boredom, with a disturbing lack of goat related articles. Clearly not big fans of my blog as yet.
The undoubted highlight of my week has been my appearance on the front cover of a book. This is no mean feat, seeing as the writer of the Bible didn't even think to put Jesus on the front, and that was his own son. Ben 1 - Jesus 0.
I'm holding the inflatable FA Cup just underneath the Cardiff badge if you were wondering. Still waiting for the inevitable invite to play lead man in the film tie in.
So far I have amassed 3 followers to this blog, and I bet they're all having more fun than me stalking journalists, playing the harmonica and training on Jetman I imagine. With yet another brave warrior in my circle of friends lost to the almighty girlfriends thumb, things aren't looking good for not just this Friday, but all future Fridays. The Confederations Cup seemed to offer some respite from the boredom, but the South African fans recreating the noise of millions of seriously pissed off bees has even done the seemingly impossible and ruined football for me.
I'll be back with another blog update soon if I don't black out from boredom quicker than an MP's expenses report, but for now I'll leave you with the words of a great scholar.
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
In desperation at the lack of job/money, I decided to do a basic search on the Job Centre website, applying for every job that came up without even looking what it was. A quick check later in the day revealed one of the positions was a Biology teacher. Seeing as the highest qualification I hold in Biology is a Double Award C at GCSE, I won't hold out much hopes for that one...
Something else which has been filling my days is the Facebook game Bejeweled Blitz. If the government ever finds out about this day destroying game, it will be classed just below Heroin in the addictive stakes and regular players forced into rehab. It's got the biggest 'one more game' factor since Football Manager, and if you value your family/job/education, don't go down this dangerous road. For some of us it is already too late, but you can still save yourself from this menace.
Not even the BBC news website has been able to distract me from the never ending boredom, with a disturbing lack of goat related articles. Clearly not big fans of my blog as yet.
The undoubted highlight of my week has been my appearance on the front cover of a book. This is no mean feat, seeing as the writer of the Bible didn't even think to put Jesus on the front, and that was his own son. Ben 1 - Jesus 0.
I'm holding the inflatable FA Cup just underneath the Cardiff badge if you were wondering. Still waiting for the inevitable invite to play lead man in the film tie in.So far I have amassed 3 followers to this blog, and I bet they're all having more fun than me stalking journalists, playing the harmonica and training on Jetman I imagine. With yet another brave warrior in my circle of friends lost to the almighty girlfriends thumb, things aren't looking good for not just this Friday, but all future Fridays. The Confederations Cup seemed to offer some respite from the boredom, but the South African fans recreating the noise of millions of seriously pissed off bees has even done the seemingly impossible and ruined football for me.
I'll be back with another blog update soon if I don't black out from boredom quicker than an MP's expenses report, but for now I'll leave you with the words of a great scholar.
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Thursday 11 June 2009
What does 136 million buy you these days?
13600000000 fizzy cola bottles
7559755 signed copies of Bonnie Tyler's greatest hits from E-bay
15144766 copies of the Die Hard box set
3857 deluxe speedboats
394 average priced detached houses in Britain, with enough change for a hell of a trip to IKEA
154 Bugatti Veyrons, with enough change to keep them in petrol for a few months.
Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo.
Your move, millionaires.
7559755 signed copies of Bonnie Tyler's greatest hits from E-bay
15144766 copies of the Die Hard box set
3857 deluxe speedboats
394 average priced detached houses in Britain, with enough change for a hell of a trip to IKEA
154 Bugatti Veyrons, with enough change to keep them in petrol for a few months.
Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo.
Your move, millionaires.
Wednesday 10 June 2009
Some bad news, and some goat news
The media have a bad name these days, and I think I know why. The public in general don't care about politics, have seen enough war to last a lifetime, and have plenty of access to sport elsewhere.
What's really missing, is stories about goats.
For example, this story from 2006 is one of the finest examples of journalism the world has ever seen:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm
It remains the most read story on the BBC News website of all time, and for good reason. It has everything you could possibly want, and more. We've all done things we regret after a drink or two, but it would take something spectacular to beat Mr Tombe's reaction when he woke up in the morning next to a goat in a wedding dress and 15 grand down. The couple were to live happily until May last year, when tragedy struck the Sudanese Romeo and Juliet.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article1744570.ece
The untimely death of Rose Tombe broke hearts around the world. As if his wife choking to death on a plastic bag was not enough, his former spouse was turned into curry and eaten by the people of the village.
And so it seemed that goat journalism had reached its pinnacle. Surely there was nothing out there in the goativerse that could beat the tragic love tale of Rose and Charles Tombe?
Think again.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/01/24/2473591.htm
Magic goat arrested. If there is a better opening three worlds in the history of journalism, I am yet to see it. Nothing I can say will do justice to the sheer brilliance of this story, however I must pay tribute to the person who, when faced with armed police, said "it wasn't me, the goat did it!". Quite why a goat, or anyone for that matter, would want a Mazda remains to be seen.
Surely that is it then? The greatest goat story of all time?
It seemed so, until the June 10th edition of Yorkshire local news programme Calender. It featured a report on Darren the goat. Darren is not just any old goat however. Darren is a waving goat. The sight of a news reporter waving at a goat for several minutes is conclusive proof that British journalism is not dead. See the wonder for yourself below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJjh8ZylJjI
So then, the answer to the public's plummeting trust in the media is clear. More stories on goats. I have prepared a number of examples of what I expect to see the goat reporters of the nation bringing to us in 2010.
The Daily Mail - Illegal Immigrant Goats: Coming to steal your children and lower your house price
Daily Express - Was Diana murdered by a goat?
The Sun - BIG BROTHBAA - All the news on the first ever goat housemate
An exciting future awaits us all.
What's really missing, is stories about goats.
For example, this story from 2006 is one of the finest examples of journalism the world has ever seen:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm
It remains the most read story on the BBC News website of all time, and for good reason. It has everything you could possibly want, and more. We've all done things we regret after a drink or two, but it would take something spectacular to beat Mr Tombe's reaction when he woke up in the morning next to a goat in a wedding dress and 15 grand down. The couple were to live happily until May last year, when tragedy struck the Sudanese Romeo and Juliet.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article1744570.ece
The untimely death of Rose Tombe broke hearts around the world. As if his wife choking to death on a plastic bag was not enough, his former spouse was turned into curry and eaten by the people of the village.
And so it seemed that goat journalism had reached its pinnacle. Surely there was nothing out there in the goativerse that could beat the tragic love tale of Rose and Charles Tombe?
Think again.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/01/24/2473591.htm
Magic goat arrested. If there is a better opening three worlds in the history of journalism, I am yet to see it. Nothing I can say will do justice to the sheer brilliance of this story, however I must pay tribute to the person who, when faced with armed police, said "it wasn't me, the goat did it!". Quite why a goat, or anyone for that matter, would want a Mazda remains to be seen.
Surely that is it then? The greatest goat story of all time?
It seemed so, until the June 10th edition of Yorkshire local news programme Calender. It featured a report on Darren the goat. Darren is not just any old goat however. Darren is a waving goat. The sight of a news reporter waving at a goat for several minutes is conclusive proof that British journalism is not dead. See the wonder for yourself below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJjh8ZylJjI
So then, the answer to the public's plummeting trust in the media is clear. More stories on goats. I have prepared a number of examples of what I expect to see the goat reporters of the nation bringing to us in 2010.
The Daily Mail - Illegal Immigrant Goats: Coming to steal your children and lower your house price
Daily Express - Was Diana murdered by a goat?
The Sun - BIG BROTHBAA - All the news on the first ever goat housemate
An exciting future awaits us all.
Tuesday 9 June 2009
"12 of your friends became a fan of not being eaten alive by wolves"
I've decided to start this page off properly with a topic that affects us all, especially in the last few days. Everywhere you turn has been filled with news on the dangerous spread of these terrible people and if something is not done about it soon, it could bring down the thing we love most of all. They are growing in strength and due to the failing of the current leaders, they may become unstoppable. I am of course talking about the dangerous evil that is, the Facebook fan page.
Recently it seems that every time I log on to Facebook, I am bombarded with messages about what my friends have become fans of. Such earth shattering hobbies as 'Sleeping' 'Eating' 'Summer' and 'Oxygen". I might have made that last one up, but I wouldn't be surprised if it existed. Who creates these pages? Somebody out there must think "Hey, I wonder if anybody else out there sleeps?" and create a fan page for all those people out there who don't purposefully stay up for their entire lives because. 'that sleeping business is for losers'. This narrows down the amount of people that may be interested in joining this group to roughly EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
It won't be long before the name of the blog becomes a reality. People will be becoming fans of 'Being Alive' 'Breathing' and 'Not being repeatedly run over by a big truck while being licked by people with leprosy and having my legs dissolved in acid". Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I'd better take the "What kind of tractor are you?" quiz to calm down. Seriously. That actually exists.
I'm not against the concept of being a fan altogether. The Inbetweeners, people falling over and Newcastle being relegated, all hilarious. I'm also a fan of Cardiff City, who's end of season was pretty hilarious for somebody who supports any other team. Becoming a fan of a band is also acceptable, even if I was once greeted with "Person X became a fan of The Beatles". Newflash! Everyone likes The Beatles. People who don't like music like The Beatles. I recently saw the latest Terminator film, and if the invincible, merciless killing machine from the film was real, even he would hum to Hey Jude if it came on the radio of the truck he was trying to kill John Connor with. Children from the most deprived areas in the world, Kabul, Darfur and even Swansea hold up their lighters and sway when they hear Let it Be over Red Cross FM.
This then, is an appeal. Stop the facebook fan page madness. Strike back against the quiz makers who want you to tell the world what kind of tractor, sushi, or horse you are. You aren't any of them. Stop it. If you were any of those things, you wouldn't have Facebook. They don't have hands (apart from the Handatron Tractor 2000) .
Together, we can make a better future for Facebook everywhere.
Recently it seems that every time I log on to Facebook, I am bombarded with messages about what my friends have become fans of. Such earth shattering hobbies as 'Sleeping' 'Eating' 'Summer' and 'Oxygen". I might have made that last one up, but I wouldn't be surprised if it existed. Who creates these pages? Somebody out there must think "Hey, I wonder if anybody else out there sleeps?" and create a fan page for all those people out there who don't purposefully stay up for their entire lives because. 'that sleeping business is for losers'. This narrows down the amount of people that may be interested in joining this group to roughly EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
It won't be long before the name of the blog becomes a reality. People will be becoming fans of 'Being Alive' 'Breathing' and 'Not being repeatedly run over by a big truck while being licked by people with leprosy and having my legs dissolved in acid". Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I'd better take the "What kind of tractor are you?" quiz to calm down. Seriously. That actually exists.
I'm not against the concept of being a fan altogether. The Inbetweeners, people falling over and Newcastle being relegated, all hilarious. I'm also a fan of Cardiff City, who's end of season was pretty hilarious for somebody who supports any other team. Becoming a fan of a band is also acceptable, even if I was once greeted with "Person X became a fan of The Beatles". Newflash! Everyone likes The Beatles. People who don't like music like The Beatles. I recently saw the latest Terminator film, and if the invincible, merciless killing machine from the film was real, even he would hum to Hey Jude if it came on the radio of the truck he was trying to kill John Connor with. Children from the most deprived areas in the world, Kabul, Darfur and even Swansea hold up their lighters and sway when they hear Let it Be over Red Cross FM.
This then, is an appeal. Stop the facebook fan page madness. Strike back against the quiz makers who want you to tell the world what kind of tractor, sushi, or horse you are. You aren't any of them. Stop it. If you were any of those things, you wouldn't have Facebook. They don't have hands (apart from the Handatron Tractor 2000) .
Together, we can make a better future for Facebook everywhere.
I has a blog
So yeah. I decided to join the revolution about 9 years late, and get a blog. Mainly to keep myself writing during the summer, but also to see if anybody will actually read the stuff I write. Probably not. The name of the blog comes from (FOOTBALL REFERENCE WARNING) the time to took Joe Ledley to score at Wembley in the FA Cup Semi Final (END OF FOOTBALL BIT) as somebody with my name already had a blog set up. Name stealing bastard.
Unlike most first blog posts I'm not gonna do the whole "Im 20 years old and enjoy long walks on the beach" self description thing, the only people that are likely to read this will know all that crap anyway and the fact that i'm not an astronaut ninja who travels through time fighting dinosaurs means it would have been boring compared to most people on the internet anyway.
I'll start writing my first proper, hopefully not as shit as this, entry now. Try and contain your excitement, readers.
Unlike most first blog posts I'm not gonna do the whole "Im 20 years old and enjoy long walks on the beach" self description thing, the only people that are likely to read this will know all that crap anyway and the fact that i'm not an astronaut ninja who travels through time fighting dinosaurs means it would have been boring compared to most people on the internet anyway.
I'll start writing my first proper, hopefully not as shit as this, entry now. Try and contain your excitement, readers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
