I read a news story today that informed me that in a months time 100,000 people a day will be contacting Swine Flu. This doesn't bother me, as I have already died due to Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, SARS, Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, that Earthquake last year and the Large Hadron Collider.
The public seemingly become more determined every year to convince themselves that they're all about to die. There are many reasons for this, some still believing that The Daily Mail is actually a Newspaper, others merely wishing death on themselves by the fact that Big Brother is STILL on TV despite the fact it should have been killed off like a blonde cheerleader in a horror film at least 6 years ago.
However, for those people who can read something on the news without running around screaming that the sky is falling, a far more terrifying thing has been on our TV screens this week. I am of course talking about Venus and Serena Williams.
Serena Williams (left) and Venus Williams have once again made it to the final of Wimbledon. Presumably because all of the other players are scared of what will happen to them if they dared to beat one of them. The noises these two make when they hit the ball are what I imagine evil would sound like if it was represented in the form of sound. The stunning 19 year old Russian model lookalikes who were 'mysteriously' given a wildcard by Wimbledon and cause viewing figures to rise by roughly 9474% never stand a chance. After the final these two will go back home with yet another trophy, presumably to dine on the souls of orphans and look forward to the day they take over the world. Never mind Saddam's ability to launch missiles within 45 minutes, a grunting Serena Williams would send the worlds military cowering to their mothers in roughly the time it takes to switch over to Hollyoaks once Anna Kournikova gets knocked out. The sound she makes is roughly as loud as Brian Blessed standing on a plug with no socks on, which as everyone knows is the second greatest pain known to man.
I don't ask for much in life. I like my Center Backs with as many scars and few teeth and hair as possible, preferably from a country more well known for civil war than football (see Gabor Gyepes), my rock bands on as much heroin and as dead in swimming pools as possible and beer that is as cheap as possible. Is it really too much to ask for some good female tennis players that are actually female?
Gabor Gyepes, a beast of a man.
Venus Williams, also a beast of a man.
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