13600000000 fizzy cola bottles
7559755 signed copies of Bonnie Tyler's greatest hits from E-bay
15144766 copies of the Die Hard box set
3857 deluxe speedboats
394 average priced detached houses in Britain, with enough change for a hell of a trip to IKEA
154 Bugatti Veyrons, with enough change to keep them in petrol for a few months.
Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo.
Your move, millionaires.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Some bad news, and some goat news
The media have a bad name these days, and I think I know why. The public in general don't care about politics, have seen enough war to last a lifetime, and have plenty of access to sport elsewhere.
What's really missing, is stories about goats.
For example, this story from 2006 is one of the finest examples of journalism the world has ever seen:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm
It remains the most read story on the BBC News website of all time, and for good reason. It has everything you could possibly want, and more. We've all done things we regret after a drink or two, but it would take something spectacular to beat Mr Tombe's reaction when he woke up in the morning next to a goat in a wedding dress and 15 grand down. The couple were to live happily until May last year, when tragedy struck the Sudanese Romeo and Juliet.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article1744570.ece
The untimely death of Rose Tombe broke hearts around the world. As if his wife choking to death on a plastic bag was not enough, his former spouse was turned into curry and eaten by the people of the village.
And so it seemed that goat journalism had reached its pinnacle. Surely there was nothing out there in the goativerse that could beat the tragic love tale of Rose and Charles Tombe?
Think again.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/01/24/2473591.htm
Magic goat arrested. If there is a better opening three worlds in the history of journalism, I am yet to see it. Nothing I can say will do justice to the sheer brilliance of this story, however I must pay tribute to the person who, when faced with armed police, said "it wasn't me, the goat did it!". Quite why a goat, or anyone for that matter, would want a Mazda remains to be seen.
Surely that is it then? The greatest goat story of all time?
It seemed so, until the June 10th edition of Yorkshire local news programme Calender. It featured a report on Darren the goat. Darren is not just any old goat however. Darren is a waving goat. The sight of a news reporter waving at a goat for several minutes is conclusive proof that British journalism is not dead. See the wonder for yourself below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJjh8ZylJjI
So then, the answer to the public's plummeting trust in the media is clear. More stories on goats. I have prepared a number of examples of what I expect to see the goat reporters of the nation bringing to us in 2010.
The Daily Mail - Illegal Immigrant Goats: Coming to steal your children and lower your house price
Daily Express - Was Diana murdered by a goat?
The Sun - BIG BROTHBAA - All the news on the first ever goat housemate
An exciting future awaits us all.
What's really missing, is stories about goats.
For example, this story from 2006 is one of the finest examples of journalism the world has ever seen:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm
It remains the most read story on the BBC News website of all time, and for good reason. It has everything you could possibly want, and more. We've all done things we regret after a drink or two, but it would take something spectacular to beat Mr Tombe's reaction when he woke up in the morning next to a goat in a wedding dress and 15 grand down. The couple were to live happily until May last year, when tragedy struck the Sudanese Romeo and Juliet.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article1744570.ece
The untimely death of Rose Tombe broke hearts around the world. As if his wife choking to death on a plastic bag was not enough, his former spouse was turned into curry and eaten by the people of the village.
And so it seemed that goat journalism had reached its pinnacle. Surely there was nothing out there in the goativerse that could beat the tragic love tale of Rose and Charles Tombe?
Think again.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/01/24/2473591.htm
Magic goat arrested. If there is a better opening three worlds in the history of journalism, I am yet to see it. Nothing I can say will do justice to the sheer brilliance of this story, however I must pay tribute to the person who, when faced with armed police, said "it wasn't me, the goat did it!". Quite why a goat, or anyone for that matter, would want a Mazda remains to be seen.
Surely that is it then? The greatest goat story of all time?
It seemed so, until the June 10th edition of Yorkshire local news programme Calender. It featured a report on Darren the goat. Darren is not just any old goat however. Darren is a waving goat. The sight of a news reporter waving at a goat for several minutes is conclusive proof that British journalism is not dead. See the wonder for yourself below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJjh8ZylJjI
So then, the answer to the public's plummeting trust in the media is clear. More stories on goats. I have prepared a number of examples of what I expect to see the goat reporters of the nation bringing to us in 2010.
The Daily Mail - Illegal Immigrant Goats: Coming to steal your children and lower your house price
Daily Express - Was Diana murdered by a goat?
The Sun - BIG BROTHBAA - All the news on the first ever goat housemate
An exciting future awaits us all.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
"12 of your friends became a fan of not being eaten alive by wolves"
I've decided to start this page off properly with a topic that affects us all, especially in the last few days. Everywhere you turn has been filled with news on the dangerous spread of these terrible people and if something is not done about it soon, it could bring down the thing we love most of all. They are growing in strength and due to the failing of the current leaders, they may become unstoppable. I am of course talking about the dangerous evil that is, the Facebook fan page.
Recently it seems that every time I log on to Facebook, I am bombarded with messages about what my friends have become fans of. Such earth shattering hobbies as 'Sleeping' 'Eating' 'Summer' and 'Oxygen". I might have made that last one up, but I wouldn't be surprised if it existed. Who creates these pages? Somebody out there must think "Hey, I wonder if anybody else out there sleeps?" and create a fan page for all those people out there who don't purposefully stay up for their entire lives because. 'that sleeping business is for losers'. This narrows down the amount of people that may be interested in joining this group to roughly EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
It won't be long before the name of the blog becomes a reality. People will be becoming fans of 'Being Alive' 'Breathing' and 'Not being repeatedly run over by a big truck while being licked by people with leprosy and having my legs dissolved in acid". Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I'd better take the "What kind of tractor are you?" quiz to calm down. Seriously. That actually exists.
I'm not against the concept of being a fan altogether. The Inbetweeners, people falling over and Newcastle being relegated, all hilarious. I'm also a fan of Cardiff City, who's end of season was pretty hilarious for somebody who supports any other team. Becoming a fan of a band is also acceptable, even if I was once greeted with "Person X became a fan of The Beatles". Newflash! Everyone likes The Beatles. People who don't like music like The Beatles. I recently saw the latest Terminator film, and if the invincible, merciless killing machine from the film was real, even he would hum to Hey Jude if it came on the radio of the truck he was trying to kill John Connor with. Children from the most deprived areas in the world, Kabul, Darfur and even Swansea hold up their lighters and sway when they hear Let it Be over Red Cross FM.
This then, is an appeal. Stop the facebook fan page madness. Strike back against the quiz makers who want you to tell the world what kind of tractor, sushi, or horse you are. You aren't any of them. Stop it. If you were any of those things, you wouldn't have Facebook. They don't have hands (apart from the Handatron Tractor 2000) .
Together, we can make a better future for Facebook everywhere.
Recently it seems that every time I log on to Facebook, I am bombarded with messages about what my friends have become fans of. Such earth shattering hobbies as 'Sleeping' 'Eating' 'Summer' and 'Oxygen". I might have made that last one up, but I wouldn't be surprised if it existed. Who creates these pages? Somebody out there must think "Hey, I wonder if anybody else out there sleeps?" and create a fan page for all those people out there who don't purposefully stay up for their entire lives because. 'that sleeping business is for losers'. This narrows down the amount of people that may be interested in joining this group to roughly EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
It won't be long before the name of the blog becomes a reality. People will be becoming fans of 'Being Alive' 'Breathing' and 'Not being repeatedly run over by a big truck while being licked by people with leprosy and having my legs dissolved in acid". Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I'd better take the "What kind of tractor are you?" quiz to calm down. Seriously. That actually exists.
I'm not against the concept of being a fan altogether. The Inbetweeners, people falling over and Newcastle being relegated, all hilarious. I'm also a fan of Cardiff City, who's end of season was pretty hilarious for somebody who supports any other team. Becoming a fan of a band is also acceptable, even if I was once greeted with "Person X became a fan of The Beatles". Newflash! Everyone likes The Beatles. People who don't like music like The Beatles. I recently saw the latest Terminator film, and if the invincible, merciless killing machine from the film was real, even he would hum to Hey Jude if it came on the radio of the truck he was trying to kill John Connor with. Children from the most deprived areas in the world, Kabul, Darfur and even Swansea hold up their lighters and sway when they hear Let it Be over Red Cross FM.
This then, is an appeal. Stop the facebook fan page madness. Strike back against the quiz makers who want you to tell the world what kind of tractor, sushi, or horse you are. You aren't any of them. Stop it. If you were any of those things, you wouldn't have Facebook. They don't have hands (apart from the Handatron Tractor 2000) .
Together, we can make a better future for Facebook everywhere.
I has a blog
So yeah. I decided to join the revolution about 9 years late, and get a blog. Mainly to keep myself writing during the summer, but also to see if anybody will actually read the stuff I write. Probably not. The name of the blog comes from (FOOTBALL REFERENCE WARNING) the time to took Joe Ledley to score at Wembley in the FA Cup Semi Final (END OF FOOTBALL BIT) as somebody with my name already had a blog set up. Name stealing bastard.
Unlike most first blog posts I'm not gonna do the whole "Im 20 years old and enjoy long walks on the beach" self description thing, the only people that are likely to read this will know all that crap anyway and the fact that i'm not an astronaut ninja who travels through time fighting dinosaurs means it would have been boring compared to most people on the internet anyway.
I'll start writing my first proper, hopefully not as shit as this, entry now. Try and contain your excitement, readers.
Unlike most first blog posts I'm not gonna do the whole "Im 20 years old and enjoy long walks on the beach" self description thing, the only people that are likely to read this will know all that crap anyway and the fact that i'm not an astronaut ninja who travels through time fighting dinosaurs means it would have been boring compared to most people on the internet anyway.
I'll start writing my first proper, hopefully not as shit as this, entry now. Try and contain your excitement, readers.
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